What to do if your child has an eating disorder

In thinking about how to best respond to and discuss this article in which Hope Network was featured I became a bit overwhelmed as many topics surfaced that come to mind after reading Beth's well written article.

So, I decided to do a series addressing the different concepts I feel are so important to address.

Over the next few weeks (using that timeframe loosely) I'll be discussing these:
1. Diets turning deadly/"War on Obesity"
2. Blaming Parents...this will change in our lifetime if it is the last thing I do.
3. Medical professionals not taking eating disorders seriously.
4. Shame/Stigma/barriers to treatment
5. HAES
6. The wonderful work the Joy Project is doing-
Joy Project -- Grassroots nonprofit, networking self-advocacy website that provides information about support groups, treatment options, http://www.joyproject.org
7. Genetic predispostions - (will come up in some of the above but cannot be talked about enough.
8. Evidence Based Treatments - FBT
9. More on what parents/carers can do.

There, now it's out there and I'm committed.

Thank you again Beth Dooley and Star Tribune for addressing this important and often avoided topic.

Beth Dooley is a freelance writer, cookbook author and frequent contributor to: Delta Sky Magazine, Mpls StPaul Magazine and Minneapolis Star Tribune
http://bit.ly/aIB0YX

Is Maudsley Family Based Therapy Still Obscure?

As happy as I was to see this article in the Seattle Times I was a bit disappointed to see Maudsley Family Based Therapy(MFBT) STILL being referred to as "obscure." 

Check it out and let me know your thoughts:
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/health/2012678841_webanorexia.html

What can we each be doing on a daily basis to let health care providers know about eating disorders and the different treatment options?  Sending this article is one way.  What other ideas do you have?

One thing I love doing is speaking to the groups of health care providers, they are hungry (sorry for the bad pun but I couldn't resist) for this information. 

I love what psychologist Dr. Sarah Ravin says about the family role in MFBT, "If a 15-year-old had a bottle of vodka before school every morning would you say, 'Well, that adolescent is asserting her need for control, so parents back off?"" Ravin said. "No, because drinking alcohol before school is not OK."

I love this about the MFBT approach that includes the family in recovery.

Peter McClellan Radio Show Interview

Last December I drove through a snow storm to be interviewed on the Peter McClellan Show. It was totally worth driving for an hour in a snowstorm to meet with him. Peter is a financial planner with Geneos Wealth Management and on his radio show he spotlights other entrepreneurs in the Twin Cities.

I was fortunate to receive his "Braveheart Award" for rising about life's circumstances and living my life with passion and inspiration! Peter is Scottish and invites his "friend" Angus along to the show. It was quite fun to watch Peter switch from American (Minnesotan) English to Angus with his heavy Scottish Brogue.

Enjoy the fun interview here: (who knew talking about something as serious as eating disorders could be fun?)
http://www.kkmslive.com/MP3/PM_12_23_09.mp3

Living with Loss

As I see it's been a few weeks since my last blog post I am realizing I need to state what has been occupying me.

Jenni Schaefer's beautiful Mother's Day letter brought me to a new level of understanding that I need to respect the fact that I am constantly grieving losses that eating disorders have brought to my life.

We still don't know if our daughter will ever be recovered. Millions of people are living with this type of uncertainty. On many levels my daughter has been taken from me. I have been told I have a lot in common with parents who have had their children abducted and don't know if they are alive or not. This realization has led me to spend some time doing this grieving I didn't know I needed to do.

Luckily I have a wonderful coaching colleague who specializes in the caregivers journey and helps people process grief. I am now in a much better state of mind and can allow creating to happen again. Thank you Rita Goldhammer of Pivotal Crossings for helping me to do this valuable work.

One of the things I've had to grieve and let go of is that what we experienced in our daughter's treatment is being called: Treatment Failure. It was both exciting and sad to learn more about the very promising Family Based Therapy approaches in talking with Laura Collins of F.E.A.S.T.

So I am done with the "What Ifs" and am excited to talk with and interview families who have found successful recovery via Family Based Therapy!

I would love to hear of your positive experiences of incorporating FBT into traditional treatment models.

Children and Eating Disorders

Have you read Carolyn Coker Ross, M.D.'s blog on children and eating disorders? I thought she did a great job on talking about the important things that parents, especially mothers, can do to help avoid negative messages. She sees girls in her practice who tell her they first learned to dislike their bodies or learned to diet from women in their families, including their mothers.



I think these suggestions Carolyn shares are all very good, and I would like to have seen the issue addressed that mother's don't cause eating disorders.

Here are my summaries of Dr. Coker Ross's excellent points:
1. Watch your comments about body dissatisfaction in front of your children.
2. Don't go overboard on focusing on healthy eating and calling some foods good and some bad.
3. If you have heavier children don't fight obesity but exercise together as a family, eat together and accept genetics.
4. Build up self-esteem with good qualities other than appearance.

I think these are all great approaches and I feel it is imperative to stress that eating disorders are complex, multi-faceted bio-psycho-social disorders caused by a combination of many factors. Don't beat yourself up mom's if you have made some mistakes, this is only a part of the puzzle. Take these suggestions and use them to improve your parenting, not to blame yourself.

We've had enough blaming of mom's and it isn't helpful for anyone. Let's make sure when we give mom's suggestions that we include the information that they alone can't cause eating disorders.

See Dr. Coker Ross's blog here:
http://www.basilandspice.com/mind-and-body/eating-disorders-and-children-32010.html

Do you care about someone with an eating disorder?

If you love, care about or know someone well who is in recovery from an eating disorder you may be feeling helpless, overwhelmed, afraid, upset, and more. There is so little that loved ones can do at times.

This is your gentle summer reminder to take good care of yourself. It may seem selfish and counter intuitive but it is of higher moral ground to practice extreme self care.

Have you made your top 10 list yet? If you don't know what I'm talking about I'll fill you in. When I was at the beginning of learning how to be an effective parent of someone with an eating disorder I had a pastor who gave me one of the best pieces of advice I've ever gotten. She said I needed to no only practice this extreme self care but I needed to make a TOP 10 List of things that fill me up. This seemed so greedy and selfish to me at that point, but I get it now. It's that old oxygen mask theory, if you don't have yours on, you can't care for another.

So, you out there, making sure someone else's needs are being taken care of...it's time. So get out the prettiest paper you have and make a list of things you love to do, that fill you up. And then...do at least one EVERY DAY. Yes, every day. This will fill your cup back up and make you an even better care giver.

It might seem such a small thing to do but it is essential. If you are burned out, you will be of no use to your loved one. They need you, and they need you to be strong. So, do the right thing and go fill yourself up!

Eating disorders can destroy relationships as well as lives - do your part to preserve your sanity and health so that you can actively preserve the relationship. That doesn't mean it is going to be all wine and roses, but you can do your best to show the person in recovery that they are loved. Not an easy task with someone who often thinks they are unloveable.

Media Exposure

Check out Cheryl Dellasega's blog at Everything Ophelia (http://everythingophelia.blogspot.com/2009/06/role-models-three-sisters-use-their.html). Just read her great post about the Three Sister's band that is doing great things in the world. The part I'm most excited about is the media exposure. They are trying to make a difference in what young kids see that can lead them to have poor body image, which we know can lead to eating disorders.

I'm really busy finishing the book for families, just finished Kitty Westin's chapter. As soon as the preliminary editing is done I'll add that to the list of chapters that can be purchased on my website. I hope you are finding those chapters helpful to you as you navigate your family through an eating disorder.

Enjoy the band Three Sisters too!

Weightism and judgment

I've been talking a lot lately to people about weightism. What is that you say? Well, in my basic translation it means, judgment about people based on their weight/size. As I'm interviewing people for the book to help families through their journey with eating disorders I'm hearing some really sad and unbelievable stories. One woman, who has binge eating disorder told me about her visit to her gynecologist for her annual exam. As she is having her exam (a very vulnerable position for any of us) the doctor decides to talk with her about her obesity, she is self-described as "morbidly obsese." The doctor says, "You know, if you want to lose weight, you should move to Asia as they don't have these disgusting obesity problems there." You can read the rest of her story in the upcoming book temporarily titled: "Navigating the rough waters of an ED; A Guide from Fear and Panic to Peace and Hope" (temp working title).

What exactly this "doctor" was hoping to achieve besides belittling and berating this woman is unclear. What is clear to me is a serious lack of training and a serious problem with prejudice against large people by the medical profession. That is just one of the reasons I am working with a coalition that has developed a healthy weight curriculum for all medical care providers to take to receive their CME credits. One of our goals is to bring this into medical schools so that future health care providers at least have clue as to how to treat people with respect. As you can see I am quite passionate about some changes that need to be made in the medical profession when it comes to eating disorders. Many aren't even aware that binge eating disorder is even a recognized eating disorder much less being aware that is the most prevalent of all the eating disorders.

I just read a wonderful article on about a beautiful singer named Susan Boyle that demonstrates our society's acceptance of weightism. I think Sherry Nau says it quite well.

Susan Boyle is a lesson for those who make quick judgments

Sherry Nau • guest essayist • April 26, 2009

The sudden rise to fame of Susan Boyle, the talented woman discovered on the show, Britain's Got Talent, highlights the ongoing objectification and stereotypes of women.

Consider the responses of the judges who described her as "the biggest surprise ever in the three-year history of the show," and admitted "everyone was against you." Why was she a surprise? Why did everyone think she couldn't sing?

The answer lies in the use of women in the media whose bodies are used to sell everything from liquor to fishing lures. In ads women are pictured in sexualized dress and positions. The women are perfect with no wrinkles, no blemishes, and certainly no bulges.

The message is clear: "These are women every other woman should aspire to resemble."

Trying to achieve the ultimate body comes at a cost to both girls and women. It is estimated that 7 million Americans have an eating disorder, and 1 in 200 American women suffers from anorexia. The occurrence of eating disorders in young girls has also increased as they feel pressured by friends and the media (Consider Hannah Montana — a size 4) who set the expectation that beautiful is thin and perfect. In a 2003 review it was found that 40 percent of newly identified cases of anorexia are in girls 15-19 years old.

CNN opened their story of Susan Boyle by describing her as "frumpy."

How inspiring it would have been if the story began, "A beautiful woman's song wins the hearts of many."
Nau is adjunct professor, University of Rochester, Warner School

Thank you Sherry for your valuable insights.

Portion of Chapter from Book - Perfectionism

From time to time I'll be posting a portion of a chapter from the book as I'm writing it, these will be in no particular order, the editors will get to choose that. I look forward to hearing your comments.

The current working title is:
Just Tell Her To Stop; Stories of Families Thriving Through the Crisis of An Eating Disorder

CH # __- Perfectionism
A Heartwarming Story of Recovery and Survival - Stacy's story

When Stacy was thirteen, it was during her month-long August visit to her father's home that anorexia got a strong hold on her and took over completely. As soon as she arrived back home just before school began, her mom knew right away what was going on. In spite of getting medical help immediately, it still took ten years of her life away from her. As a thirty-something recovered person, Stacy wanted to make sure you hear what didn't work because she feels that is much more helpful than the clinical information in a textbook. Here is the story of the smartest, sweetest, prettiest and most popular girl in school who was also the best in choir and all of the many clubs she participated in.

Stacy’s Story
Gazing out over the azure-colored sea should have been calming and enjoyable. The blue ripples of water crashed against the shore in a rhythmic motion, and relaxing seemed to be the order of the day on our family vacation to the tropics. I could see my family beginning to unwind and thaw out from our freezing Minnesota winter as we sat in our comfy lounge chairs by the pool overlooking the sea. All I could think about, or I should say, all my eating disorder would let me think about–was food. I couldn't escape it, the anorexia had followed me on our vacation and would steal the precious relaxing moments from me.
Worrying about the next meal, the only thing on my mind was, "Oh no, I have to face food again, I cannot control this anxiety, but I can control what I put into my mouth." How did this happen to me? I hope they don't say anything to me as I push my food around on my plate. Maybe they will be busy enjoying themselves and won't notice. Part of me hopes they will confront me so I can get rid of this cruel best friend I've named “Ed,” “Bully” (when it switched over to bulimia), and “IT.”

Always the perfect little girl, and out of the six kids in our family, I gave my parents the least amount of trouble–that is until Ed showed up. I got good grades, had friends, and didn't try drinking like most teens. My dad is an alcoholic and even at age ten, I was able to connect the dots that I shouldn't drink as a way to control my anxieties, as I would probably follow in his footsteps.

As a quiet ten year old, I knew better than to say anything about the unspoken tension in the house as my parents’ marriage began deteriorating. I just kept doing everything really well–perfect, actually. In fact, I was a normal pre-teen girl who had an emotional issue I needed to deal with, and that was the result of never hearing that the marriage problems weren’t my fault. As is typical with kids, I blamed myself for the failing marriage. The self-blame led to a need to feel control and power, and I used the eating disorders symptoms to accomplish this. That’s when Ed came into my life and I began to abuse food as a way of coping...

If you'd like to see more of this or other chapters take a look at the website where you can purchase one or more chapters for only $9. www.hopenetwork.info

Help for Families living with an Eating Disorder

If you are living with or care about someone who has an eating disorder, chances are you are worried about them. As a coach who helps the "Invisible People" affected by eating disorders, meaning the family, friends and co-workers I hear a lot of stories about the pain and stress that comes with not being able to help them. I'm always advocating for those of you to take care of yourselves so you can be the best support person.

Here is a workshop that might assist with re-energizing and de-stressing.

Saturday February 28th - 9:30- noon
Great River Healing Arts Center
2388 University Ave West
St. Paul, MN

$35
Led by Cindy Schultz, MA, LP
and
Stephanie Ross, MA
http://www.seekinnerwisdom.com
Cindy Schultz
cindy@seekinnerwisdom.com
612-701-5574

If you cannot attend but want more ideas for your own self care while your loved one is in recovery contact me.