Shame, Denial, Guilt and the media

So, as a parent of someone in eating disorder recovery how often are you feeling like you must have done something wrong in your parenting? How useful is that?

In interviewing a woman in eating disorder recovery for my book for families I learned some interesting lessons about parental Shame, Denial and Guilt. This woman works in the chemical dependency world as well as being in eating disorder recovery herself. She told me how surprised she was that a parent once told her how responsible she felt for giving her child the genes that may have contributed to the child's eating disorder. From the perspective of a chemical dependency professional she was shocked that this mom felt so much control over her child.

Is it control or is it love? A parent I know who has been through al-anon for her son's drug addiction told me that she learned this: Ask once, it's love. Ask twice, it's control. That's an eye opener for parents.

What if we as parents were to let go of feeling guilty or responsible for our children's eating disorders and let them do their recovery and just loved them? What would be available to us then?

This brings me to the media part of the title of today's post. What if we didn't do anything wrong and our kids got some twisted messages from the media that pulled the trigger of the gun that was loaded by their genes?

Take a look at the Dove campaign for real beauty video about the twisted messages the media is giving us: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hibyAJOSW8U

Take a deep breath and let go of the Shame, Denial and Guilt and spend the energy loving yourself and your child/husband/friend/co-worker/son/daughter in recovery.

Families who love someone in recovery

My new tentative book title is: Just tell her to stop; Real Stories, hope and help while loving someone in eating disorder recovery

As I am interviewing people for my book, both family members and those who are themselves in recovery I am hearing from those in recovery how important the support and ongoing love from their family and friends has been. Those who are still in the thick of it and those who are years out and living lives free of ED's grasp (many refer to their eating disorder as ED) all tell me that knowing how much someone or somepeople loved them and cared about them helped them keep fighting.

So many family members tell me how frustrated they are that there is seemingly nothing that they can do to help their loved one in recovery to "get better". I hope it helps to know that by simply telling your loved one how much you care and that you believe in them that it makes a difference. I know it may seem like a small thing but when I hear people say that they didn't take their own life (which they were seriously contemplating due to the pain) because they knew it would be so painful for someone who loved them, then it is clear that simply loving someone and letting them know how important they are in your life makes a difference.

In the meanwhile, when you aren't busy telling your loved one in eating disorders recovery how much you care about them...there are other things you can do to take care of yourself. I feel like a broken record sometimes but it is so essential when you care about someone with an addiction that you "put on your oxygen mask first." Whether you care about a person with an eating disorder, alcoholism, drug addiction or another addiction it is imperative to take care of yourself. So, my big tip for the day is: go check out some al-anon meetings. I know it might sound a bit crazy to go to one of those and listen to people talk about their loved one who drinks when you have a child/husband/friend/etc. with an eating disorder. But what do you have to lose but some sleepless nights and a whole lot of worrying. I'm planting this seed now and it may take a while to germinate in you but when you are feeling frustrated and hopeless, pull this crazy idea out of the back of your head and get yourself to an al-anon meeting and see what shows up. It might just give you incredible freedom or peace or joy or the permission to think about something fun instead of: "Will so and so ever get better?" I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Feel free to comment.

Hearing Joe Kelly - Dads and Daughters speak during National Eating Disorders Awareness week was a highlight. Check out his website and blogs:
http://blog.thedadman.com
http://thedadman.com/
http://www.dadsanddaughters.blogspot.com/

Help for Families living with an Eating Disorder

If you are living with or care about someone who has an eating disorder, chances are you are worried about them. As a coach who helps the "Invisible People" affected by eating disorders, meaning the family, friends and co-workers I hear a lot of stories about the pain and stress that comes with not being able to help them. I'm always advocating for those of you to take care of yourselves so you can be the best support person.

Here is a workshop that might assist with re-energizing and de-stressing.

Saturday February 28th - 9:30- noon
Great River Healing Arts Center
2388 University Ave West
St. Paul, MN

$35
Led by Cindy Schultz, MA, LP
and
Stephanie Ross, MA
http://www.seekinnerwisdom.com
Cindy Schultz
cindy@seekinnerwisdom.com
612-701-5574

If you cannot attend but want more ideas for your own self care while your loved one is in recovery contact me.